One of my very best friends, Taylor from Stay on the Page, asked me to write a piece for her 30 Days of Pride Event she co-hosted with Ben from Ace of Bens. I immediately said yes, and though sharing this part of me was a little scary, I’m so thankful Taylor gave me a platform, boosted my voice, and believed in me. She is such a gem and truly part of my heart.
I’ve spent the entire month of June wanting to do something special for Pride Month, but I haven’t been able to come up with anything. This is still a part of me that I’m trying to figure out and I don’t always know how to bring it up or talk about it.
And that’s okay.
I’ll get there someday. Or maybe I won’t. And that’s okay too. But, because I’m still not there, I thought I would share the piece I wrote for Taylor. It’s personal, and for me it’s important.
You can find the original posting Taylor made for the 30 Days of Pride Event here. Make sure you also read Taylor’s personal post on The Prom, Girls and Other Things I’m a Little Obsessed With. It’s really special.
When I was twenty-four I was married to a cis male. We had had a son the year before. I was a straight ally. Where I was at in life I thought I knew who I was. Until suddenly I didn’t.
I honestly don’t remember what events took place on the day everything hit me. Maybe there weren’t any major happenings. But something did change when I came to the realization that all of my looking at girls and thinking how beautiful they were was more than just me giving them a passing glance.
It meant I was bisexual.
I’ve never kissed a girl, but in high school, I thought about it. Because of how I was raised though I never did. It was twenty-four years of burying that side of me as far down as I could. To be fair, I never realized that my being interested in girls meant something.
I really thought it was just something everybody thought about. And none of this is meant to say that I’m no longer attracted to or love my husband.
It just means I’m bisexual.
As kids, we grow up thinking adults have it all figured out. We go through our teen years trying so hard to figure ourselves out and when we graduate high school we think we know the answer.
But I’m here to tell you that life is one long period of constantly discovering yourself. There are times I feel like a fraud for not discovering my bisexuality until my adulthood. Sometimes I worry that I’ll come out to somebody and they’ll think I’m “following a trend” based on the fact that I’ve never kissed or dated a girl. Something I’ve learned in this self-discovery process is that sexuality is fluid. It can change. I’m proud to call myself bisexual.
For me, it’s the word that best describes how I feel inside. And even though it took me twenty-four years to feel that way, it doesn’t make it any less valid.